It’s a Challenging Time of Year

As I began putting my thoughts down on paper, it is the morning of a mid-November snow day.  I have been mulling this over for a week or so, but am putting it to “paper” this morning. My over active mind decided it was time.

We are entering the holiday season. Thanksgiving is next week and some have already put up their Christmas trees.  But for me I am not finding it to be the holiday season but the “Challenge” season. I have a busy life and I’m not sure what I was thinking, but in the last month I have signed up for four different challenges.  WHY?!! I don’t honestly know. Like I need more things to do or stress about and especially not at this time of year.

Lagom is hosting a Holiday Hiking Challenge.  At school I am participating in a miles challenge, a weight loss challenge, and a reading challenge.  All year I have been part of a 52 Hike Challenge and I’m sure there are some more that I’ve forgotten at the moment.

Now that I am signed up and participating, I keep asking myself, “Why did I do this to myself?”  I even paid to enter the weight loss challenge! One that I know I am not going to win. My intentions for that one was to maybe only eat two pieces of pie over Thanksgiving and not five.  The reading challenge seemed innocent enough. I like to read and have been back in the groove here lately, so why not join? Our hiking and mile challenge at school are similar. I like to hike.  Fall and winter are my favorite season to do so, so why not join? So now I’ve joined and wondering what I have done.

What I have done is turned my interests and hobbies into stressful situations.  It’s a snow day. I am usually piddling around the house and baking some comfort food.  Eating some good home cooked meals. Which I plan to do a little bit of today, deer meat and chicken and dumplings are on the menu.  But I am finding myself feeling guilty about wanting to bake some cookies. IT’S A SNOW DAY! I SHOULD BE EATING COOKIES! But no I am sitting here overthinking it and feeling guilty about wanting to.

I have a whole stack full of books that I could be reading while eating those coveted cookies, but I am not.  Because my stack of books doesn’t have Accelerated Reader tests, so I don’t want to read something that “won’t count.”   IT’S A SNOW DAY! I SHOULD BE READING BOOKS IN MY PAJAMAS WHILE WATCHING IT SNOW! But no, I am not because I don’t have an approved book at the moment.

And with the other two challenges, I should be out hiking or walking a little more but I have been busy at home sewing and working on some projects for Me & You.  Which makes me feel guilty about not hiking because I am working and not racking up the miles. My relaxing and stress free hobby has me stressed because I am not near the top of the leader board.  Yes we have actual leader boards and I have 0.00 miles next to my name and the very moment. And I hate that.

So again, what was I thinking for agreeing to these challenges?  My only explanation is that I am a competitive person. I like to compete. I don’t like to lose, although that happens more often than winning. And more than anything I hate being DEAD ASS LAST!  And so with this compelling need to compete, I have made my hobbies stressful and added more guilt to my life. Why would I willingly accept this punishment? Why would anyone want to do that?

Earlier this week I actually read a few articles on why we need to accept or embrace challenges or competition into our lives.  The consensus seemed to be that these challenges help us grow and to become better people. They push us out of our comfort zones to try things we may never try otherwise.  Which I can agree with in thought, but in the actual practice of it at the moment I am having second thoughts. It seems they are only adding stress and guilt to my life. I have enough of that before the challenges, so I didn’t really need them to add that to my life.  

I’m sure if I had only signed up for one challenge, I would be feeling a little better about it, but it is too late for that. So I would like to think that I have learned my lesson  not to overextend myself and to selectively  pick and choose what I participate in. But in all honesty, that probably won’t happen. I will continue to feel the need to “prove” myself. Prove myself to whom I don’t actually know. Myself maybe? To prove that I can do whatever I want and everything I can? Does anyone other than myself really care about those things? I doubt it.

Does being aware of this need mean I am working toward the first step of resolving this problem?  Is there a 12 Step Program for overextending ourselves?

So here I am rambling on and I’m not sure I have sorted anything out other that owning up to my faults.  Is there anyone else who is compelled in this way or feel the same? How do we/I step out of this frame of mind?  Do I just not challenge myself then let the others have all the “so-called-fun”? Maybe I need to start a challenge to not join  challenges.

I’m not sure what the answer is or if there  even is an answer, but I am hoping that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way and there is hope to overcome it.  If you know, please share your secrets.

So if you see me hiking through the woods, while reading an AR List book and secretly shoving cookies in my mouth, just know that I am behind in my challenges and trying to catch up!

And if you haven’t entered our Lagom Holiday Hiking Challenge it isn’t too late!!!! (Sorry I couldn’t resist!)